2013 ... Not the best of years ...

I am SO ready to let this year go. I lost my sister. I lost a job that I absolutely loved. I am sitting in a beautiful home so utterly alone. And yet I know that I have so very much to be thankful for, also. I will count all my blessings, I promise I will. But right now, I am giving myself permission to cry and just be.

Alone and not lonely

My wonderful sister, Carolese, passed away on the morning of August 21, 2013. She left just a few minutes after midnight and it was the full moon/blue moon. That was in total alignment with her belief in the Goddess and Hawaiian magic. I am alone now having lost everyone in my life who meant anything to me. Yet, I have myself and I am not lonely. I have lots of living to do and I shall do it. With love and energy and the spirits of all who have gone before me. Namaste.

Angry Angry Angry

So little I can do. Feeling helpless. Doing all that I can. Furious with the situation.

Every day: get up, do my best

Sis had a mildly better day yesterday. Still, it breaks my heart to see how emaciated she is in spite of all of her effort to drink the Ensure. It breaks my heart that I must be at work and earn a living to keep the roof over both of us when I also want to stay put and assist her. So, I get up every day, do my best at work; go home, assist Sis, do my best. Try to sleep for the next day all over again.

I am NOT Wonder Woman, Super Girl or Mother Teresa

I am angry that my sister has to suffer her illness. I am angry that I am a caregiver yet again. When is all I have finally enough? On top of that all, I know that my sister is also doing the best she can. We are both scared. I try to think back and console myself with this thought: a year ago we were scared that she would be paralyzed and then die. And she is still here and moving. Maybe only to the bathroom and back, but she is STILL MOVING. But she is slowing down, moving less and demanding more. And I have absolutely no one to help me. No one.

Discouraged, Disappointed, Determined

I tried to weather a grueling work with a smile and vigor. I did the best I could and felt a bit discouraged. I tried many new things to help my sister and they didn't work. I am disappointed. I had a good hard cry, took a bath and now I am determined to keep on going with as much love and positivity I have in me.

At First Tired ... Now Regenerated

I started this weekend feeling weary and discouraged. Just flat out tired. Then I looked at what could have been, and where I am is just fine. Forward.

Been a while ...I haven't posted

I haven't posted lately because life has been crazy/busy. I spent two months setting up my classroom and lab in the new campus and, before finishing the set up, they launched classes early. So now I am teaching, setting up, getting ready, coaching my new instructor. Then coming home to assist my sis wherever I can. Whew. Life is non stop. Well, today I finally have some down time. I plan to stay in my jammies, eat easy to nuke food, watch tv, read, nap ... Hope your weekend is your opportunity to recharge, too.

reconnect

Had a wonderful lunch with my friend, Denise. I am not alone. Winter break coming to an end ... Friday is a staff In Service. I look forward to seeing my new Campus Dean and finding out where I report for duty on Monday. Onward ... with hopes, energy and enthusiasm.

2013

I begin this year with excitement and confidence. Yet, I plan to work hard and stay humble. New Year ... new beginnings ... better future.